"I know I’m still young and there’s a lot of time for things to happen, but sometimes I think there is something about me that’s wrong, that I’m not the kind of person anyone can fall in love with, and that I’ll always just be alone."
To whom it may concern..
Congratulations! You’ll soon be a dad and have a family of your own. You know me very well, how high my ambitions tend to be, and that having a family at this young age is not a part of my priorities. I really don’t know the real reason behind why you still insisted on contacting me after I intended to loose touch with you years ago. Maybe you sincerely missed me? Maybe you wanted revenge? Maybe you haven’t moved on? Or maybe you’re just a serious asshole who loved ruining feelings of others when they know they’ve already forgiven the past and made amends for the betterment of their future. The hell, I really don’t care now, cause I know you don’t either. You’ve been wanting to have a family of your own even at your young age which is why I’m very happy for you cause you get to have your wish now. You deserved it, because you’ve been working hard with your so called job just to make that dream come true. Honestly speaking I was shocked the first time someone informed me, but shrugged it off later on. I realized then that I’m really done with you. I ruined things with someone much worth it because I thought then that there’s still hope for us. It was stupid and selfish but I couldn’t turn back time now. I made a fool of me by giving everything to someone I barely know or love just to be ready for someone who has no reason to look back. I missed the opportunity for someone who really love me just because of my self-pity knowing that he really deserve someone much better than a childish me. I couldn’t admit it then, but I know you’ve been having an effect at my relationships after ours. Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s destiny, maybe it’s just meant to happen that way. Me realizing that now is also a way to open up better opportunities in the future. Thank you for everything that’s happened, I still stand by my principles and I sincerely wish happiness for the both of you. God bless and good luck with life my past love.
Thirteen Reasons Why: An eye opener towards suicide
#tbt 13 reasons why book hang-over, realization and ranting: Newton’s law of motion: For every action there’s always an opposite and equal reaction. If I were to commit suicide, 13 tapes or reasons wouldn’t be enough. I’ve encountered a LOT of bitches and assholes in the past, and the grudge I had with them wouldn’t sum up to Hannah’s and like her, some may not know, but most does and refuse to admit it, but I have one important thing Hannah did not have that I did; a great support system, my true friends and family.
It’s something we neglect to see and be aware of, because the mere fact of someone ending their lives because of one pathetic and silly problem is disgusting. It’s a taboo topic that most of us refuse to see as a problem. Want to end your life, go ahead! Jump in a bridge! Die! It’s a joking matter to some, but for those few numbers who take those words seriously, take those words SERIOUSLY! Life is a snowball effect, what you do, what you say, what you don’t do and what you don’t say, impact the lives of those surrounding you. How am I to be blamed? She had a choice, and she chose to be weak, she chose an easy way out of all her problems and it’s a coward thing to do! You might say that, cause it’s true, ending one’s life is unreasonable, but didn’t it occur to you that she may have tried to be strong, that she may have tried to reason out to herself that life is beautiful and promising? That she may have tried everything not to waste the life she had, but finally reached the pinacle of her sanity which drove her to just give up? She lost all hope cause NO ONE gave her a reason to, cause NO ONE cared, and NO ONE saw her and her problems.
Why can’t they see that what little a problem this is to them, is a big deal for me? Why must you insist that others have bigger problems than me when this is my ONLY big problem, but it’s a problem that ruined me? Why must you add insult to the injury by looking at me like I commited a felony and judge me so horridly when I opened up to you? I trusted you! I needed you to encourage me, I wanted you to tell me that I am worth your time. You didn’t, because you’re perfect and your life’s perfect and I am just a mess. A mess you refuse to clean up, cause I was the one who made it. All I needed was support, I needed some help, but you were greedy, you ignored every attempt. You said I should just move on, it’s the best thing to do, but how can I move on when you don’t tell me how? You said I should move on, get over IT! So I did. That sums up to what was in Hannah Baker or someone else’s mind, it’s also a mix feeling of what was on my mind, except for the getting over with my life part.
I had my fair share of bullies in the past. I was a weak child back then, as I grew older, I just shrug them all of. There were the casual and friendly insults, I was immuned to it all, sometimes I find them funny too, but sometimes people tend to exceed the limit of their jokes and I feel a sting of pain. Yes, I feel pain cause I am human and I have feelings and emotions. When I was in Elementary, I had a friend, she was always tailing me around then and would always praise everything that I do. When she transferred to another school, the following year, I did too. I was a new kid to a new school, the gullible and talkative me turned shy and timid. You were the only one I knew then, but what did you do? The first few months were ok, we were still friends, but when you met a new set of friends, it’s as if I never existed. To make it worse, you also bullied me along with your friends, forgetting that I was once your friend. It was ok, I got through elementary and high school without you and met new friends. Along came College, it’s also stupid to recall now the reasons that I attempted suicide twice during this time of my life. No one knew, maybe one, but I don’t think she took that attempt seriously, or did you? I’m not really sure. I did not took those attempts seriously back then too, it felt like a dark stage in my life that I escaped from. The reason for this silly attempts? Peer pressure, gossips, rumors, love life, fitting in, that’s the summary of a very long horrible story. I overcame that stage because of my fear of God and my friends, although some may have not took all my problems seriously, some did. I thank you, so much, I owe you my life. Along came after college, I thought college was horrible, I should’ve known better. I thought I met the most aweful guy in the world, I should’ve known better. I thought I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life, I should’ve known better. It’s as if college was only a preparation for what’s to come in after. Career pressure, gossips, rumors, love life, sex, money, fitting in, same old new problems, and I am still in the process of solving them one step at a time. It’s a difficult stage indeed, since I am far away from my parents, and my friends seem to have busy lives of their own. Though it seemed that my support system may have lessened, never will I ever think of ending my life again. I know I should never say never but so long as I have my faith, and support I get from my family and friends, I will never fear of that day to dawn on me again. I hope and pray it never will, because I’m starting to love my life now. Everything may not be prim and perfect, but I like how every challenge made me even stronger. I dream for the day I never have to think about problems again, but that’s impossible cause I’d be in heaven then. So I’ll just wish I’d be able to complete my bucket list and be prepared when my good Friend above finally take me at the right time.
My plee to anyone who patiently read this, please, if you see someone who’s a lot like Hannah, DO NOT ignore them, give them a reason to be strong, to love their life, to have faith in God, be that support system she/he needs. You may not know it now, but you may have just saved someone’s life by merely giving your sincere concern. To you, who’s planning on having the same ending like Hannah, please don’t, please know that I, along with God above is here for you. Please talk to someone, anyone, release your anger and your frustrations, break a plate, break your phone, break anything but yourself, and please do not ignore your depression. Please, please learn be strong, I did, I still am learning, you can too.
Tama na muna.
Magpapahinga nalang muna
Ang puso’t damdaming tila sawa na
Sa kakaiyak, sa kakaisip
Sa kakatanung kung sinong para sa akin
Ang sabi nila ako’y bata pa
Marami pang pagdadaanan, at makikilalang iba
At dahil sa sakit na dulot ng pag-ibig niya
Ako’y tila butong nabali, na ngayo’y mas matibay na
Kalimutan mo na ang nakaraanan
Di mo na yan mababalikan
Sasamsamin ang bawat kasalukuyan
Ng walang pagaalinlangan
Pagkat ang bukas nati’y walang kasiguraduhan
Walang may alam kung anong kalalabasan
Sarili ko’y tinitigan sa may salamin
May nais pa kayang tumingin sa akin?
Luhang pumapatak sa mukha’y pinunasan
Paulit-ulit na sinasabing di na sya muling iiyakan
Ngunit sa bawat pagkakataong mag-isa ako
At naaalala aming pagsasama at kanyang mga pangako
Tila ba nalilimutang masaya na ako
Tila ba nalilimutang hindi nga ako nararapat sayo
Ano kayang mangyayari kung pinaglaban ko siya?
Ano kayang mangyayari kung binigyan ko siya ng pag-asa?
Ano kayang mangyayari kung kame parin?
Kung ang pag-ibig nami’y totoo, at siya’y para sa akin
Mga tanong na ibabaon na lamang sa limot
At hahayaan na lamang na ang panahon ang sumagot
Pagkat pinili ko to, at ginusto
Na maging masaya at kontento, kahit mag-isa lang ako
Ako na ang lawatsera…
Patient: Taga-Manila ka talga?
Ako: Ay hnd po, nagrerent lang aq ng place dito
Patient: So san ka grumaduate?
Ako: Sa Saint Louis University Baguio po
Patient: ah, so tga-baguio ka?
Ako: Hnd rn po, tga-Nueva Vizcaya po
Patient: Parang ang lalayo? Napadpad ka bigla dito? First work mo ba to?
Ako: Nagaaral po kc kapatid q dito ng college. As a nurse, opo, pero nagwork na po q before as acctng clerk and call center agent
Patient: Sa vizcaya?
Ako: Sa Batangas po acctng clerk aq taposcall center sa Taguig po…:)) hnd po kc aq mahilig mamasyal, ayoko po talagang nalalayo ng lugar
Patient: pansin ko nga…
Haha! E kc I love travelling…:))))
I miss him.. The way he makes me laugh, the way he makes me think
I miss going crazy about the way those eyes stare at me
How his tender kiss melts me away
How we don’t care at all what other people say
I hate how much I care for him
Eventhough I know he couldn’t care enough for me
And eventhough I know his heart is for someone else’s
My heart will always be here for him…
"Di ko naman ma-deny sa sarili kong mahal na mahal ko parin siya…kyalang ansakitsakit na..T-T Kung tlgang mahal niya q, mdali nlng s knyang mag-letgo..pero hnd eh! I’m doing my very best not to be affected, but why am I still hoping? Everytime na aasa ka lea, msasaktan ka lang, kc d nmn nya kaya..kaya TAMA NA…"
"Madaling makuha ang manok na nakatali na.. pero sa manok lang yun.. dahil ang TAO, pag talagang nakatali na, hindi na yan magpapahuli sa iba.. IKAW! MANOK KA BA?"
Koreanovela. Isa aq s mga adik at nahuhumaling sa mga palabas nila, bakit kamo? Kc they tend to create dramas na tipong gusto q na maging love story dn ng buhay q. Kabibili q nga lang ng “Love Rain” kahapon e tapos q na agad, mind u hnd aq natulog! Hahaha buong magdamag aqng kinikileg, umiiyak, tumatawa, naiinz at umiiyak ng umiiyak. Ewan q b bgla nlang aq humagulgol dun s part na hindi na2loy ung kasal nung dating magkasintahan, na muling nagkita after 30 years, kc nagkainlove-an ung mga anak nila. Ang tragic lang e no? Ang tagal mong inasam na makita muli ung first love mo na inakala mong patay na, akala mo pwede na kayo pero in the end hnd prn pla dahil mali at madameng masasaktan pag pinagpatuloy niyo pa. Relate much lang ang lola mo, kc puro nmn tragic ang ending ng mga akala qng happily ever after q na eh. Kaya cguro hanggang ngaun hnd q prn nahahanap ung one true love q kc ptaas ng ptaas ung standards q s mga lalaki dahil s mga drama at love story na to. Right after watching bgla qng nasabi sa sarili q na prang ayoko na, ANG SAKIT SAKIT LANG KC UMASA. Ang hirap pagdaanan ulit ung aakalain mong true love na yun, akala mo nalove at first kau sa isa’t isa at may spark ung pagsasama niyu, akala mo siya na ung prince charming na magtatanggol sayo, ung taong hndng hnd ka iiwan despite ng lahat ng pagsubok niyo. Then, itatry mo ung best mo na magwork, magtitiis kang maghintay, hnd ka kikibo kahit nasasaktan ka na, pakikisamahan at iintindihin siya sa lahat ng pagkukulang at insecurities niya, priority mo ung kaligayahan niya kc mahal m nga siya at wala kang ibang gugustuhin kundi ang maging masaya siya…..tapos in the end one-sided lang pala. Mukha ka lang palang tanga na nangangarap ng perfect love story mo, un pala love story un ng iba, ikaw lang ung extra, ung pasali-sali sa eksena, ung kontrabida at panira. Ang sakit nun, tagos to the bones pare.. Ayoko na, ayoko na talaga…
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, cguro nga kc hnd nmn nya ksalanan na hnd k nya mahal gya ng pgmmhal m..
Nakakatuwa magulang q, kinukulit aq kung bakit ala pa daw akong pinapakilalang lalaki sa kanila.. Tapos si papa naman, nagaalala sa health niya, kc ung mga ka-batch niyang kagaya niyang malalakas uminom at matataba e nagsisimatayan na. Tapos ayun, biglang puro gulay at isda ang kinakain namen noon ng isang week! Siya kc ang cook namen s bahay, haha! At ayun nga, naopen namen ung topic sa pagaasawa. Tapos, sabi q parang ala aqng balak mag-asawa.. Ang plano q kc, kpag nakapasok aq s nurse corps at naging official na q, balak q p magtuloy ng medicine, gusto q talaga maging surgeon e, pero hnd p q prepared ngaun, humingi kc aq ng sign nung nag-exam aq ng NMAT, pero wala eh.. kaya gumawa aq ng plano, at yan na nga yun, pero hnd p alam ng parents q, ang sabi q lang ayoko magasawa..period. haha! Tapos siyempre ayaw nila kc gusto nila magkaapo at kawawa daw aq pagtanda q.. Hnd naman sa ayaw q na permanently, pero cguro hnd q p nakikilala ung tamang taong makakaantay at makakaintindi sa ugali at mga pangarap q.. Most guys I’ve fallen inlove with either leave me for someone else, or just leave because they’re tired of waiting.. dati lagi kong cnsb na cla ang may mali, at nawalan, pero I know I had something to do with it as well. Napakaimmature q lang kc nun, kaya cguro tama lang na hnd aq nagboyfriend ng seryoso..minsan nga naiinggit na q s mga kaibigan qng 2, 3, 10 years ng ksma ung mga boyfriend nila, smantalang aq, never pang nagcelebrate ng monthsary with someone, haha! How pathetic, right? Maganda naman aq, mabait.. haha! Wrong timing lang kc lagi.. I’m still hoping that someday, I’ll be able to find a guy worth changing my plans for.. pero sa ngaun, forever alone muna ang peg q.. and practice na din mag-jogging at push-up! Sana mkapasok aq nxt year, 2nd Leutenant Lea Macadangdang, RN. Nice one..So sa ngaun, I’m in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom! :P